Husband Thoughts

You will find all articles previous to July 14 at Husband Thoughts

How expensive is atrificial turf? Could I reasonably do my yard? The reason I ask is I am done mowing my lawn. I have been knocked off my mower by the last low hanging limb. I have sharpened my last blade. I have talked my wife into mowing two days after surgery for the last time.

I am going to either turf the yard or concrete it. I am leaning towards turf since my kids all play baseball and not the game where you are 9 foot tall and throw it throw some string. I am thinking concrete might make the grounders a little difficult to field. Although my thinking is if the cost difference is huge it is really them fielding the grounders while I yell “ get in front of the ball Nancy “. The Nancy part really seems to motivate them. When you think about it, it’s a wonder I haven’t been clocked by a nine year old with a Louisville Slugger.

Back to the problem. If they are both expensive maybe a young college girl would mow it for a few bucks? I’m sure my wife wouldn’t like it but it has to be better than her doing it two days after surgery.

I had the oddest dream. I was dreaming I was watching the NASCAR race at New Hampshire and Dale Earnhardt Junior finished last and weaslie Kyle Busch won. I think in the dream Tony Stewart finished about 38th. What a wild dream.

 I have to quit eating pizza late at night.

Seven straight victories! The Braves are hotter than ever and making a run at the wild card. Mark this date, Mark these words. The Atlanta Braves will catch the Mets for the division title. You can bank on it!

I have solved the energy problem. Our dependency on foreign oil will be a thing of the past. It will not be by law it will be from necessity, the necessity to talk on a cell phone while driving your automobile. All we have to do is shut down the cell towers for three hours a day. It will be like the rolling blackouts used in California to save electricity. We won’t do it during commute times. It will be during early afternoons when most people are driving frivolously. This will cause us to buy less gas and in turn lessen our need for Middle East oil.

How you ask? Because I have noticed lately that it is impossible to drive a car without having a cell phone stuck to your ear. So for three hours a day there will be no driving. People will have to use land lines causing them to stay home. Some naysayers will say that people could still drive even without talking on a phone. How stupid can you be? If that was true why would people be making cell phone calls while driving? We know now that talking on a phone while in the operation of a cell phone is more dangerous than driving drunk. Those people are reasonable prudent citizens. Why would they endanger themselves and everyone who shares the roads with them?

There you have it ClubHusband has solved the problem. If you have any questions you can call us. Just don’t do it between 2 PM and 5 PM we will be out driving while the roads are safe.

It wasn’t bad enough that my Braves got swept this weekend but I had to listen to Albert and Piniella do the game Saturday on Fox. Sweet Lou was a great hitter, an ok manager but as a broadcaster my dog could do better. Shut up and go back to coaching.. Albert why don’t you get a mouthful of your brother’s back and let us all enjoy the game in silence.

Then when I thought it was over Sunday on TBS the hometown Braves’ announcers Skip and Chip Carey (no really!) decide their hometown is New York. If Bobby Cox doesn’t pull their plane pass at about 20,000 feet he is not the man I think he is.

These clowns keep saying how David Wright should be the MVP. Are you drunk?

He is not even the MVP of his team! Beltran has better numbers. So what if Carlos is hitting puberty this year? why else would his HR production jump from a total of 16 last year to 32 so far this year? It must be a medical marvel!

So Chip and Skip don’t embarrass Harry just shut up unless you are doing play by play. You have shown your colors and your stupidity.

Where is Don Sutton when you need him?

Oprah is a bloated bag of wind and someone should pop her. She sits on her stage surrounded by hand picked morons and spouts thoughts like a tequila filled drunk behind Denny’s. She opens her yap and wisdom just pours out like a backed up toilet. Would someone please stand up and say, what makes you an expert on anything? Does she have any special training? NO! Is she smarter than the average bear? NO! So why do all those dolts follow her every word? Who in the hell knows? Make it legal to kill idiots and she will be mounted on a wall before sundown.

Every where I go on the net I see drunk naked college girls. I went to college. I went to bars while I was in college. I never saw what I see now. Is it true that every college girl spends her weekend drunk and naked kissing her best friend? Is that a government plot to get more boys to go to college? Maybe the Marines should try this. Instead of that whole warrior thing just get a couple of Marines that are female and let them do the stuff. I can help with the lighting or camera or whatever they need. It’s the least I can do for my country.

When will I win the lottery? Soon I hope this whole pretending to work thing is getting harder and harder every day. Just six small numbers with a big pay day. That’s all I ask. Last time I hit three. Won a big seven dollars. The difference between three numbers and six numbers is not three like we were taught in school. It’s 203,000 993 dollars. I don’t like their system. If I hit half the numbers I want half the money. 102 milliion is not to much to ask, is it?

Two more days and they are back to school. The house to myself again. No more sharing the computer during daylight. No more making lunch, not that I do that a lot. But it does mean getting up at 6:20 AM everyday to wake them for school. Get my wife to do it you say? Hey, its my job and I have very few of those. She works 12 hour days and I wake the kids. Seems fair to me. The only thing fairer was summer. She works 12 hour days and I write drivel on here. But that gravy train has ended.