Did you ever notice that the male figure in the household is never taken into consideration when the idea of a movie suitable for the whole family to watch is discussed? Just because a film won't offend you does not automatically mean that it will be enjoyable to watch either. In fact, most of the time, a blatantly offensive movie is more stimulation than the watered down, bland, touchy-feely family entertainment that most sources recommend as "fun for the whole family".

Club husband is here to offer up some flicks that won't leave the men of the house internally screaming as they sit down for two hours of an audio and visual nightmare just because they decided to rent a movie that the whole family could enjoy. Here is a suggestion that you will definitely be able to stomach and might even actually like.

JULY 9

Angel Eyes                                                                                                              
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2001 Starring Jennifer Lopez, Jim Caviezel, etc. Directed by Luis Mandoki

Being a single guy, there is only one earthly reason to sit down and watch a movie entitled "Angel Eyes." That reason is simply Jennifer Lopez. Mentally I went through the standard argument (chick flick vs. best ass in the universe) and I obviously chose to watch the movie. I knew that I would never be able to forgive myself if I passed at the opportunity to see J-Lo naked. Unfortunately, that didn't happen; however, it turned out to be a decent movie.

Lopez plays a cop in Chicago who crosses paths with a man she knows only as "Catch" played by Caviezel. He is a pretty weird guy, and they don't give you a reason for his behavior until halfway through the film; but, who really cares? There is also an entire subplot revolving around Lopez's sordid family history that she is dealing with that you probably won't care about and didn't really fit into the movie that well. The film isn't too emotional for a man to hate, and just emotional enough for a woman to like. You can watch this movie with your wife and not want to eat a bullet.

The are two memorable scenes in the movie that make the entire experience worthwhile. We are treated to Lopez swimming in her underwear; enough said about that. For the jazz fans reading this, there is one unexpected scene that will leave you pleasantly surprised. Yet again another movie has passed and we haven't had the mind blowing experience of seeing J-Lo naked, nevermind her playing the warden in an all women's prison on skinamax. But I'll not give up hope. I will see every movie that the best ass ever appears in. It is amazing the amount of cinematic flaws that her behind can cover. Enjoy.

June 19

Planet of the Apes

2001 Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Estella Warren, etc.

Directed by Tim Burton

Estella Warren
8 in x 10 in
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As a screenwriter writing about a world that revolves around humans being completely subservient to apes in the future (which we, as a movie watching audience, are not only willing to accept, but anticipating) how is it feasible to actually produce a script that is too goofy to be entertaining. Is it possible? You would think that the toughest aspect of this movie, as far as selling it to the audience, would be the general idea and the plot. You would assume (and this is why you can never assume) that the script and the storyline would be a walk in the park if you could sell the viewers on the idea itself. You would be wrong. Dead Wrong!

I was looking forward to this movie from the first moment that I heard of its being remade. Then I was informed that Tim Burton was directing it, and I've certainly enjoyed his dark and slightly warped movies in the past. I learned of the consistently entertaining cast of Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth and others. Actors that might not walk to the podium on Oscar night with every one of their films; but, will provide a compelling flick. My eagerness grew. The icing on the cake was when I found out that Estella Warren (an up and coming actress with a fantastic rack) was also in the movie. After that news, my eagerness wasn't the only thing that grew. These are the prime ingredients for what should be one hell of a flick, or so I thought.

This film was awful, just plain awful. I have never seen such a waste of talent in my entire life (of course I'm referring to the lack of even a peek at Estella Warren's abilities.) Only one actor portrayed a believable character filled with emotion, grace, and a sense of pride in their craft, and that was the real chimpanzee in the movie. I'm not joking at all, this chimp was really the best actor in the entire film. As far as I'm concerned, he is the only one with the right to walk away with his head held high for a dignified and capable performance. This movie was such a disappointment, it isn't worth wasting the ink in my pen.


June 15

Suitable Family Viewing

Family Pick of the Week

"SHREK"

2001 Rated PG Directed by Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson. Voices of Mike Meyers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, John Lithgow and others.

Cameron Diaz
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Guys don't be afraid to watch it. It is definitely a movie that your kids will love as well as you and your wife. This animated adventure about an antisocial ogre and a verbose donkey on a journey to save a fair princess will get you laughing and keep you quite entertained. The humor is aimed at the entire family from the young members to the older ones. This is yet another notch in the string of successes for Mike Meyers and it is Eddie Murphy's best role since "Another 48 hrs". (Maybe he should stick to animated donkey roles.) If your wife brings this rental home, don't run screaming from the house because you'll actually enjoy it.

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Now that we've taken care of the family film…

It's ten o'clock, the kids are in bed, the house is quiet, and you've got a scotch in one hand and the remote in the other. What are you gonna watch? You've matured (a little bit) and so has your taste in movies. Adrenaline charged, high school aged movies with no substance were fine fifteen years ago; but, they don't have the same appeal that they used to. Now that you've got a little more meat on your bones, it stands to reason that the movies that you watch should too.

Men's pick of the week

"PATRIOT'

2000 Rated R Directed by Roland Emmerich. Starring Mel Gibson, Heath Ledger and others.

This is a story about a widowed hero of the French and Indian Wars with seven children in South Carolina in 1776. At first, due to the horrible moments of his past experience, he refuses to fight in the Continental Army. Finally, his eldest son enlisting, and other events force him to lead an unconventional group of Colonialists into battle against English rule.

This was one hell of an entertaining movie for many distinct reasons. First of all, it is a period film-taking place during the painful birth of our country, and it wasn't completely overdone. The characters have more human qualities in the movie as opposed to others that take place during the same era. Everyone isn't always somber and stiff, speaking in serious monotones. The script and the acting allow other traits such as humor and love to shine through, though not so much as to distract from the films purpose and theme.

Secondly, the battle or fight scenes are help up to the lofty standards that we expect from Mel Gibson saga. The brutality of battle, as it was fought during the Revolutionary War was portrayed exquisitely through the cinematography. They give the viewer a head on view of a cannonball flying toward the enemy's front line, which adds graphic reality to the scene.

Thirdly, The Patriot had the right combination of blending the requisite attributes of a classic film. It didn't overdo anything. It combines war, historical events, love and hatred through the use of exceptional acting, cinematography and directing. Don't miss this one!

                                                                                                         Mike