A Blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know
five things .....
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound, blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not
if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde Aussie were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde Aussie said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
THE VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
"yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she
decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park,
grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag
behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000
in a
brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside
the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe
that one blonde would do this to another!"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULLOVER!
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all went into the ObGyn office together.
When they met after their check-ups, the redhead was smilling, and the brunette
asked her why. "I'm going to have a baby boy," the redhead replied.
"How do you know?" asked the blonde.
"Because I was on top."
This got the brunette thinking, and she smiled as well. "I'm having a girl!"
she exclaimed. Again the blonde asked how she knew. "I was on bottom," said
the brunette.
The blonde started bawling. "Why are you crying?" the redhead asked.
Through her tears, the blonde replied, "I'm gonna have puppies!"
A blonde walks into a winter clothing store. She picks out a scarf and brings
it to the counter to pay for it.
When she gets home, she turns right back around and takes it back to the
store. The store clerk asks why she's returning the scarf. "Because," she
says, "it's too tight!"
What does a blonde say when she sees a banana peel on the sidewalk?
"Oh, no, I'm going to fall again!"
Have you heard about the new "blonde paint?"
Yeah, it's not very bright, but it sure does spread easy.
How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Write on both sides of a sheet of paper, "Please turn this over."
Why do blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.
There were 10 blondes and one brunette hanging on a rope off of mount everest.
The rope could'nt hold all of them so one person would have to fall on to
the cliff below and sacrifice her life so the rest could live.
The brunette gives a touching story of how she will sacrifice her life for
the rest of them to live, and she will let go and die and after she does
this touching speech all the blondes applauded her
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I
see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his .. out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The
Doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering
the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the
eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered
up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he
noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor,
"there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed
the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
A blonde walks into a hardware store and asks the salesman, "Can I buy that
TV?"
The owner answers, "I don't sell TV's to blondes!" So the blonde dyes her
hair and asks the some question, but she gets the same answer. So she shaves
her head and goes back and asks again, but yet again she gets the same answer.
"How did you know I was a blonde?" she asks."
"Because," he replies, "that's a microwave oven."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks very nicely if he can
see her license. She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you took my license away, and now you expect me
to show it to you?"
What does a blonde put behind her ears to attract men?
Her ankles!
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde
a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would
you recognize him?"
The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!"
The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at
the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize
him?"
The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy
to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course
only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile!
Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde
and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize
him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say
something completely idiotic."
The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The
suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether
the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait
here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on
that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file
in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe
it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work!
But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because
he only has one eye and one ear."
A blonde suspects her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she buys a gun and
puts it in her purse. Then she goes over to her boyfriend's apartment the
very next day. As she throws the door open, she sees her boyfriend making
out with some girl on the couch.
"I knew it!" the blonde screams, and she takes out the gun. Then, utterly
distraught, she points it at her own head.
"No, honey!" the boyfriend yells, "Don't do it, please!"
"Shut up!" the blonde replies, "You're next!"
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast
hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that
I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says, "OH MY
GOD,
I left the baby on the bus again!"
How is a blonde like a bottle of beer?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How do you know which blonde is a waitress?
She's the one who has a tampon behind her ear and wonders where her pencil
went.
These jokes are not the views of Club Husband but we do think they are pretty
damn funny.If you would like to impress us with your wit submit your favorite
titillations to
titillations@clubhusband.com
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